


On Grief, and Sorrow

by daimonas



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Death, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hope, M/M, Sad, but I needed to write it, it's just something i really needed in my life right now, this fic hurt me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 07:00:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10381164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daimonas/pseuds/daimonas
Summary: It ends quietly, and without glory.Keith isn't even really sure how it happens.. He sees the dagger protruding deeply into his lover's chest and briefly entertains the notion that he should reach out to help Shiro, but his body doesn't move.He watches as Shiro falls.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've already tagged it, and it's in the summary, but I'll put it here, as well. Trigger warning for major character death - please read at your own risk.

It ends quietly, and without glory. 

Keith isn't even really sure how it happens. One minute, they are fighting the Galra - outnumbered two to one, but still, somehow, alive. Keith parries a blow with his shield and follows with a strike of his own, piercing his enemy's chest and watching him crumble. The only warning he has at the next coming strike is a body hitting his, hard - knocking him out of the way into safety. When he turns, Shiro is smiling weakly at him, a concentrated look of pain in his eyes, and a Galra soldier lies dead at his feet. Keith finds himself smiling back, until his eyes travel down Shiro's body and the look of pain registers. He sees the dagger protruding deeply into his lover's chest. Keith briefly entertains the notion that he should reach out reach out to help Shiro, but his body doesn't move. 

He watches as Shiro falls. 

\----

It's a bullshit, pointless death, Lance thinks. 

Shiro had been the best of them. No one in this world is perfect, but Shiro was about as close as you could get. Lance remembers looking up to the guy all of his life. Though Shiro was only a few years his senior, he had broken records and made a name for himself as one of the best pilots to ever graduate from the Garrison. 

Lance wanted to  _be_  him. 

It isn't right, if Lance is being honest, that Shiro is dead and he is still here. Not that Lance wants to be dead, by any means, but he knows in his heart that he's replaceable. Anyone with any true spirit could come and pilot the Blue Lion, and the Voltron formation would remain intact. But without Shiro -

Without Shiro, they are nothing. 

Lance swallows his wave of guilt, tasting bile in the back of his throat. His eyes prick with the threat of tears and he chokes on a sob, grinding the heel of his palms into his eyes to stop the oncoming waterfall. 

This is all such  _bullshit_. 

" _Maldito sea_ , Shiro," he whispers, borderline desperate, into his hands. "Why did you have to go and die on us?"

He imagines Shiro laughing from whatever cosmic void he's watching them from. He curses Shiro again - curses him for dying, for being so  _good_ , for teaching Lance that he could be so much  _more_  than what he thought of himself. 

He feels a bit better, after. Not much, but he at least finds comfort in the memory of his friend.

\----

Time stops. 

Not literally, of course. With four Galra soldiers left, the battle rages on around them. 

But for Keith, the universe comes to a screeching halt. 

Watching Shiro sink to his knees breaks something in Keith. In the back of his mind, he knows. 

He knows this is the end. 

Shiro's eyes flutter closed and he becomes too weak to hold himself up. Keith rushes forward and catches him as he starts to fall back, laying his head gently on his lap. "It's alright, Shiro," Keith says, and his voice comes out surprisingly steady. "I've got you."

Shiro smiles weakly at him. Keith feels his heart break again, but he ignores it. He needs to be strong for Shiro, no matter how badly he just wants to crumble into a pile of dust and ignore the reality of what's happening around him. 

"Just hang in there."

He doesn't know if he's speaking to Shiro, or himself. 

\----

Pidge is familiar with loss. 

As much as she hates to admit it, the second she found out about the failed Kerberos mission, she started mourning her brother and father. Even when Shiro returned and there was potential for them to be alive, she didn't let herself believe too strongly. 

They were dead, and had been for a long time. 

Shiro is no different. 

She's sad, of course - death has a way of doing that to people; but she's come to accept the fact that death is a part of life. It's inescapable, no matter how long you try to run from it. 

And Shiro had been running for a long time. 

It's Pidge that decides to make the grave. She asks Allura to take them home, to Earth, and Allura agrees to the request. It takes an hour for them to reach their home planet, and Pidge feels homesick immediately. 

But she has a mission, and she has to see it out first. 

She buries Shiro outside of the desert shack where everything began. Everyone comes with her, but she is the one that holds herself together when it comes time to fill the grave. Lance is crying openly into Hunk's shoulder, Hunk has his head lowered and silent tears glisten his face. Allura and Coran stand, stoic and still, some feet away from them - choosing instead to watch from a distance. Keith stares blankly at the grave. He hasn't said a word since Shiro took his last breath. 

When the deed is done, Pidge straightens and wipes a dirt-smeared hand across her forehead, brushing sweat-soaked hair out of her face. She looks at the finished product and decides it's missing something. She kneels down and tries connecting with the earth the way she did with the Olkari. Surprisingly, it works, and a single, white lily sprouts from the head of the grave. 

Pidge smiles. 

_I'll miss you, Shiro. Thank you for everything._

Finally, she lets herself cry. 

\----

Keith doesn't even remember why they're fucking here and he can't find it in himself to care. Nothing matters now, because Shiro is dying and it's his fault. 

It's his fucking fault. 

"Do you remember when we first met?" Keith asks softly, looking for anything to talk about to distract Shiro from his nearing demise. 

Shiro moves his eyes to Keith's and he slowly nods. His eyes close and his breathing becomes more labored. Keith ignores it. 

"We were so young, and I was such a little shit."

"You're still a little shit," Shiro jokes, though he doesn't smile. Keith does, though. He can't help himself. It's so easy for Shiro to make him smile - to say the exact thing he needs to hear to make everything okay. 

But what's happening isn't okay, and it will never be okay. 

Keith's vision blurs with tears. He begs, "Shiro, promise me you won't leave me."

Shiro doesn't answer. 

\----

For once in his life, Hunk doesn't know what to say. He's supposed to be the backbone of the team - the pillar of endless, cheery support when things get rough. 

But how the fuck is he supposed to get them through this?

He watches everyone withdraw into their grief. Lance spends time alone, spending hours mindlessly playing video games to distract himself from even thinking about what's happened. Pidge retreats to her room, only to come out when she decides there should be a funeral. 

And Keith? Keith tries to disappear entirely. 

From the moment Shiro draws his last breath, the only words to leave his mouth are Shiro's name as he frantically pumps at his chest, trying to bring him back. When he fails, he doesn't utter another word. He stops eating, stops training, stops..existing. 

He becomes a walking shadow. 

Hunk watches from a distance, and knows that there is nothing he can do to take this pain away. 

"Listen, Shiro," Hunk says one night, evenings later, as he lays in bed to try to sleep. "I don't know if you're listening, but if you are.. Screw you, man. Not really, but fuck, this is hard. I don't know what to do. I'm not a leader, so I can't replace you. I don't have your words or your wisdom to help us get past this. Just - "

Hunk stops, and swallows the lump forming in his throat. Quietly, he whispers, "Just help us out, one last time. Please? We fucking need you, man. We can't do this without you."

Hunk doesn't hear an answer. There's no divine clarity that comes with his confession, or any sense of relief for having admitted defeat. There is only grief, and Hunk lets himself be consumed. In the morning, he will wake up smiling as always, and he will feel better. 

That's all he can hope for, anyway. 

\----

The battle ends, finally, and Lance calls desperately over the radio for Allura. Keith hears him, but the words don't register. His attention is on Shiro and his weakening breaths. 

Without thinking, Keith whispers, "Does it hurt?"

Shiro is quiet for a time - long enough to make Keith worry. As the pinpricks of anxiety begin to pierce Keith's heart, Shiro answers, honestly, "Yes."

"I'm sorry," Keith replies, moving his hand to graze his fingertips through Shiro's hair. "That was a stupid question."

Shiro hums in response, and there's a rattle to the hum that they both know shouldn't be there. Keith continues running his fingers through Shiro's hair.

"Keith?"

"Yes, Shiro?"

"I don't think - " he coughs, and winces at the pain it causes. Keith feels his heart drop into his stomach. 

"I don't think I'll be able to keep our promise."

"Don't say stupid stuff. Allura will be here soon to patch you up."

Shiro attempts to turn the corner of his mouth up in a smile. He opens his eyes slowly, gazing into Keith's for the span of a heartbeat. He says, "I love you."

Keith's eyes fill with tears again, and his throat burns. He fights the panic threatening to choke him and says, "I love you, too."

Shiro hums again. He closes his eyes. 

"Shiro?"

He stops breathing. 

_"Shiro!"_

\----

Allura is not prepared to deal with death, but it is she that finally coaxes Keith to begin healing. 

She seeks him out two days after they bury Shiro and finds him upon the roof of the castle, staring up at the stars. They are still docked in Earth, so the stars they are currently witnessing are those Keith has probably lived his life watching. 

"Are you looking for anything in particular?"

Keith moves his violet gaze to hers, but doesn't reply. She smiles kindly at him and stands next to him, careful not to disturb his space. She moves her gaze to the sky above and even she has to admit that the sky is beautiful. 

"Your Earth's stars are quite the sight."

Keith is quiet again, and he turns his gaze back to the sky. "Shiro and I - " he starts, then stops to clear his throat. He gives himself a few seconds before he tries again. "We used to watch the stars every night."

"Do you mind if I join you?"

When Keith shakes his head, she sits down next to him. She turns her eyes back to the sky, trying to determine some of the constellations she sees. She had studied Earth's constellations, once, when she had originally met the Paladins and found out where they were from. She finds she doesn't remember what any of them looked like. 

"Do you have a favorite constellation?"

Keith points northward, just ahead of where they're sitting. He says, "The Ursa Major."

He points to the constellation's location, tracing the lines of the design with a finger. Allura follows with her gaze, and claps gleefully when she sees it. 

"Keith, it's wonderful!"

"Yeah.. it is."

Allura lets them fall into a hushed silence. Gathering her courage, she takes in a deep breath and puts a hand on Keith's knee. 

"You know you aren't alone in this, Keith."

Keith is silent and when Allura turns her eyes to him, she sees that his are filled with tears. He takes in a shuddering breath and whispers, his voice cracking at the end of his words, "It _hurts_."

Allura feels her heart break. She tightens her grip on his knee. "I know it does, Keith. Shiro was so important to all of us, and no one can deny how important he was to you. None of us can say that we know how you feel, but you should know that you need not bear this burden alone."

Keith turns his violet eyes to hers. The tears spill over his cheeks then, and he speaks again, desperation ringing his words. 

" _It fucking hurts_."

"Oh, Keith," Allura consoles, moving her hand to put it on the back of his neck and pull him into a hug. He allows it, burying his face into the crook of her neck and letting out a choked sob. He moves his arms around her, and clings desperately to her, as if trying to hold himself together through sheer force of will. 

"I know, Keith," Allura whispers, a single tear escaping her eyes. "I know."

\----

It takes time, but eventually, Keith begins to heal. 

He has his moments, of course. He visits Shiro's room daily, if only to remember the way he smells. One day, he realizes that nothing - not his bed, or his clothes - nothing smells like Shiro anymore. When he realizes it, he cries. And again, when he's passing by the training room, and sees that someone has returned the black bayard to its station. As soon as he sees it, his heart fills with dread, and he runs to the bathroom to get sick. 

Two months after they leave Earth, Keith requests to go back. Allura doesn't think to question why, and concedes to his request. 

It's the first time he's visited Shiro's grave. 

The other Paladins let him approach alone. As he nears the grave, he notices that the white lily that Pidge had grown has now turned to five. They are in full-bloom, even in the middle of the desert heat. Keith smiles, and sits at the foot of the grave. 

"Hey, Shiro," Keith says. "I just - I just wanted to come by and tell you that I miss you?" He stops, and takes a shuddering breath before pressing on. "I miss you a fucking lot, actually. I feel like - like there's this hole in my chest that's just never going to go away. You're an asshole, you know that?"

Keith laughs to himself, though tears are streaming down his face now. 

"But even though I miss you, I don't hurt as much anymore. I have - other people, now. I have Hunk, and Pidge, and Allura. I even sort of care about Lance, but don't tell him I said that."

He pauses. He feels sort of stupid, talking to empty air, but he still feels like he needs to say what's on his mind. He wants Shiro to hear his thoughts, wherever he is. 

"I suppose I have you to thank for that. I have a lot to thank you for, actually, but I'll spare you the list. Just.. thank you, Shiro. For being there for me when no one else was."

He takes another deep breath, and wipes at tear-stained cheeks. Finally, he says:

"I love you, Takashi Shirogane. I always will."

The desert wind picks up, then, and it tickles against Keith's skin. Keith smiles and feels a fresh wave of tears fall down his cheeks. He knows that, somewhere, Shiro has heard him, and the wind is his reply. 

In the wind, he hears,  _"I love you."_

And finally, _"_ _Goodbye."_

**Author's Note:**

> This is something that I really needed to write. Anyone that follows me on Twitter or Tumblr knows that I've gone through a very hard time recently, and honestly what inspired everything was me thinking about death and dying. I just needed to write something to help... push me past that lump, I guess - and this is what came of it. I can't say that I necessarily enjoyed writing this fic, because it hurt me, a lot. But I can say that, in a way, it's helped heal me by writing it. So I hope that it can help someone else, too.
> 
> Please let me know in the comments what you thought. I'd love to hear from you all. This piece was deeply personal, and I'm honestly a little frightened, putting it out there.


End file.
